I hadn’t eaten a marshmallow in 9 years until just a few days ago when I whipped these bad boys up. I’m a vegetarian, get over it Mr. Bourdain. Gelatin is the extracted collagen of boiled down tendons, bones and skin from cows and or pigs. Yum. I’m not dogmatic about eating anything or anyone (cannibals are cool in my book as long as they aren’t undead. No, I’m not joking.). Food is tasty. Eat what you want when you want it. Just don’t complain to me about the fall out if there are any socio-political, environmental or religious consequences. Eat anything- I’ll even help you cook it. Grok me?

Anyway. So I woke up one morning about a month ago and had this gut wrenching fear that my entire career depended on knowing how to make marshmallows. I spent a few days in an existential crisis about karma and all those other shenanigans that some people believe. As Ernest Cline once said Marshmallowframedtest“people who live in glass houses should shut the fuck up.” So I did. I bided my time to see if it was the right decision. I spend more time contemplating whether or not to make marshmallows than I did on any of the 7 tattoos I have. I don’t believe in regret.  I wasn’t going to let some marshmallow get in the way on my road to delicious enlightenment. I had to follow my bliss. So I bought some gelatin. I didn’t even get the humane non-CAFO organic kind. Namaste.

Have you ever slept on a memory foam pillow or mattress? That is exactly that marshmallows look and feel like before they’re cut. I ended up not making the marshmallows until 6pm on a Friday. Marshmallows have to rest for 4-12 hours before you can eat them. Friday is D&D night, so I knew I’d be up for awhile. 100 XP for foresight. Honestly Mr. Jubilee was more excited than I was. He kept asking when they’d be ready. They’re ready when I say they’re ready- now back off.

I want to tell you that I have some witty segue about the Faceless Stalkers (ugothol in uber geek speak) we killed in the game to eating the marshmallows. But I don’t. The whole process was anti-climatic after having our asses handed to us by some other worldy swamp creatures. I cut the sugar pillow, coated it in more sugar, and then had the best marshmallow of my life. Well 10 or so marshmallows. I had to make sure I ate enough to make up for all my years marshmallow abstinence. Hell will probably freeze over before I eat meat again. But the four proverbial horsemen might ride through town tomorrow or some mass apocalyptic disaster could happen, so who knows? Something crazier could happen.


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